When disagreements arise, most of us tend to think of our own position as reasonable and our partner's position as unreasonable. However, at some point in the argument, those who succeed in relationships manage to find something understandable about what their partner is saying or wanting, even if they can't agree overall. If you want to receive understanding, first give understanding.
Many partners are hesitant to acknowledge anything understandable about the others point of view, thinking that if they give an inch, their partners will take a mile. People destined to succeed in their relationships don't worry about this, because they know that they can always stand up for their own point of view later. They know that just because they acknowledge something legitimate about their partner's point of view it doesn't mean that their own point of view isn't legitimate.
They are able to do two things in succession: Acknowledge the understandable part of your partner's opinions and then stand up for your own opinions, if needed. If you have difficulty acknowledging the understandable part of your partner's feelings, it may be because you don't feel confident that you can stand up for your own feelings in an effective manner.
Because the understandable reasons for your partner's feelings, intentions, or motivations will not always be obvious, it's to your advantage to become good at finding the reasons that are sometimes difficult to see at first.
Sarah Roberts Hoos, MS, MFT
Seeing Through Your Partner's Eyes
In successful intimate relationships, partners are able to consider the impact of basic gender differences within their dynamic. Research recently published suggests that the way men and women see things is very different, and not just in a psychological or social context but in a physiological way as well. For example, men are more visually sensitive to fine detail and rapidly moving stimuli where women are better at discriminating between colors.
But how does this apply to a relationship you wonder? In many ways; for one: how a partner attempts to appeal to his or her better half can be influenced by this research. If you want him to be receptive to your message, consider the idea of using more hand gestures while speaking to him (and not the offensive or inappropriate kind!) If she doesn't seem to be open to your perspective, think about having you conversation with her in a place with pleasing colors present such as green (which falls in the middle of the visual spectrum). Couples who are willing to take advantage of the latest data available on our differences are couples who can set themselves up for success with simple yet powerful considerations.
Sarah Roberts Hoos, MS, MFT
How your reputation affects your relationship
A study recently published by evolutionary psychologists suggest that the way we witness others observing our partner, affects the way we evaluate our partner. This study found that most people will experience feelings of warmth or kindness toward a stranger that they witness offering help to a person in need, and conversely most people experience feelings of anger and distrust toward a person they just witnessed driving recklessly. We establish these emotional connections to others which can often dictate our behavior toward them: we offer a smile to a person who helped that individual in need, and we glare at the person who drove recklessly. When we witness others treating our partner a particular way, based on these emotional connections forged by way of "reputaion", we are likely to reflect that behavior. If you see someone glaring at your partner because he or she just acted carelessly, you are likely to manifest those same sentiments toward your partner. So the important thing to remember is: be sure to evaluate your feelings toward your partner based on your own direct observations of their behavior rather than rely on their "reputation" as your main source of information.
